D.C. has seen no shortage of crazy brokerbabble in the real estate listings. We've seen odd comparisons to cars (Mercedes body, Prius price w/BMW under the hood. I think your EKG is red-lining), references to fairy tales (Explore some more, but pack a picnic & leave a trail of crumbs. If you're not back in 40 we'll send for your mortgage broker) and everything in between. It didn't take long to figure out that all of this elliptical language was coming from the same person. Realtor Tom Faison clearly appeals to the emotional center as many of his listings won't focus on the nuts and bolts of the property. Indeed several sound like they belong in slam poetry contests. Take for example, "A BEAST, just east, of The Capitol Dome. Square and rare footage of seldom-seen living space just north of three thousand. Confounded." This wacky tactic seems to work for him, he's sold over $20 million in D.C. real estate every year since 1997. A few new properties on Capitol Hill featuring Faison's signature language can be found after the jump.
↑ Address: 505 15th Street SE
Square Feet: Not Listed
Bed/Bath: 3/2
Price: $668,000
Listing Language: "Honey I love you but need some space, not a place, in each other's face, let's maintain romance without pushing finance, not be in the kitchen before coats have come off. Mature playfulness. A quiet conversation at a cocktail party. Gentle separation of social environs enlivens & brightens your smile around every bend. The rear? Oh dear! Quick I need a "most popular kid at Watkins" bumper sticker...."
↑ Address: 1205 C Street NE
Square Feet: 1620
Bed/Bath: 5/4
Price: $1,095,000
Listing Language: "A BEAST, just east, of The Capitol Dome. Square and rare footage of seldom-seen living space just north of three thousand. Confounded. You mean we can buy our third home before our second? Not move in five years? How ever will the Realtors survive? Size is the prize, but doesn't diminish the systems and finish, so flowing, hair blowing, but really Dear, must you ride a Segway to supper each night?..."
↑ Address: 1627 Massachusetts Avenue SE #203
Square Feet: 545
Bed/Bath: 1/1
Price: $248,500
Listing Language: "Tighten up your criteria, demand more for less, recalibrate must-haves & eliminate have-nots. Check this out: Boutique bldg.? check. Metro-ready? check. Parking? check. Lincoln Park? check. Low-fee? check. Price? Sticker-shock in reverse. Sunlight so high, cash so low, wake up a movie star w/plenty of money under the mattress. Cool warmth, wood floors, stellar investment. Pets, yes. Storage, yes."
· Houses For Sale by the Tom Faison Group [Real Estate In DC]
· Well, That's A More Elliptical Way of Promoting a Home [CDC]
· Realtor Goes a Little Wild Trying to Describe His $788K Listing [CDC]